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⁸ By faith Abraham obeyed when he was called to go out to a place that he was to receive as an inheritance. And he went out, not knowing where he was going. (Hebrews 11:8)

2012 was a year full of worries. From my dwindling faith in God rose situations of stress and unbelief in the light of an unknown future. One of the biggest idols in my life is my career and my future success. Medical school is easy because it is a clearly defined period of time (4 years) after which I become a doctor. However, life can never be so easily divided. With and without God, the future is unknown to us. For non-believers, this can be a source of angst, but for believers, this should not even matter, as we firmly believe in the providence of Jesus. Abraham did not know where he was going, but by faith he obeyed.

In many areas of my life, I have an unwillingness to “go out” and obey Jesus with an attitude of dependence on Him. I am trying to understand the idea that Jesus does not tell me where He will take me, but rather shows me who He is. If I truly, in the depths of my heart, believe that, I should be satisfied. But I am not! I still feel uneasy and am filled with doubt about the power of Jesus, the God whom I claim to love. Jesus, please continue to reveal me the reality of your death and resurrection. If I truly, deeply understood how much you loved me, I would be on my hands and knees in worship.

It is true that I feel ashamed about the areas in my life which I refuse to yield to Him. But Paul says that it is his “earnest expectation and hope that in nothing I shall not be ashamed, but with all boldness, as always, so now also Christ will be magnified in my body, whether by life or by death.” (Philippians 1:20). My 2013 resolution is simply that—to be resolute in my faith. My determined purpose is to be my utmost for His highest—my best for His glory. To reach such  a level of determination is a matter of will, not of debate or reasoning. It is the undue amount of thought and consideration of myself that keeps me from making that decision, although I cover it up with the pretense that it is others I am considering.

And he told them a parable to the effect that they ought ralways to pray and not lose heart. Luke 18:1

“If we truly love people, we will desire for them far more than it is within our power to give them, and this will lead us to prayer: Intercession is a way of loving others.”—Richard J. Foster

I have been lacking in prayer lately… particularly about my family. I find it is easier to pray about a nation (ie USA) than someone I’m close to. USA is such an abstract, large, and impersonal idea that is easier to simply lift up a prayer. However, it is far more difficult to look deep into my heart to those near me and pray for them. It is the willingness to expose myself and all my emotions and lift them up to Jesus. It is so difficult to do this because it can be oh so painful. It is so emotionally and physically draining. Even now, as I write my thoughts here, I can feel tears well up in my eyes as I think about my brother who doesn’t know Jesus. He is someone to whom I wish Jesus would break through. My grandparents… I pray for their health. My grandma has diabetes and recently had a knee replacement. She has difficulty walking, but her upbeat spirit lifts my spirits. My grandfather has heart conditions and his strong spirit has certainly been tempered by the weight of this world. My parents who I love so much and only wish the best. I have been so encouraged and thankful to the Lord that the unfortunate situation with my brother has literally brought my mother to her knees in prayer. Though this situation is unfortunate, I am glad Jesus continues to use it to bring my parents closer to Him. They have been going to bible study and church and my mom has been going to early morning prayer for nearly 4 months straight. God is wonderful!

“A person cannot receive even one thing unless it is given him from heaven.”—“No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws him. And I will raise him up on the last day.”—“I will give them one heart and one way, that they may fear me forever.”

Meditation: One this world of conflicting advice from the world and from God, it is comforting to know that God is not only there, but in complete control. He gives His people ONE heart and ONE way. In this way, I feel safe in His providence. He has shown me time and time again that He loves me and that He wants the best for me.

Prayer: My main prayer continues to be one of sanctification through the rearrangement of my priorities. Time is something I value so much and give so little to God. When the prodigal son returns, the father orders his servants to kill the fattest calf so that the entire town could celebrate the return of his son. The father gives his very best and his most valued possession. My most valued possession is time and I am learning God’s righteous jealousy of my time. It is not enough to give God my time (by going to church, praying, reading the bible, etc), but I must give Him my BEST time which, for me, is the early morning.

I went to Remnant westside church for the first time since I came to NYC. The message was powerful and struck a chord in my heart. The pastor spoke about Hosea 3. In this chapter, God commands Hosea to love a whore. Later, we learn that Hosea redeems his wife by buying her with 15 shekels and informing her that she will not prostitute herself anymore. In this same way, God bought me, a whore, with the most precious gift, His son Jesus. I prostitute myself out to different idols. Love of success, love wealth, lust, self-righteousness, people-pleasing are all manifestations of idolatry in my heart…which is another way of saying I prostitute my heart out to different things. But God still wants me. He wants a dirty, disgusting sinner like me and He already SHOWED me how much He loves me by sacrificing His pure and perfect son.

I have been taught about idolatry, but never before has someone described this as prostitution. The imagery really makes me cringe, but it is so powerful and unfortunately so very true. God is a jealous God and He wants ALL of me. My heart, mind, and soul must be solely focused on Him. Even God’s good gifts of family, friends, health, etc. can become an idol.

Maybe it’s because my constant struggles with lust that this particular sermon was so powerful for me. Maybe it’s because the testimony just prior to the sermon was about how the girl “sold herself” to her boyfriends to try to please them. Who knows? All I know is that God was speaking to me and I am thankful.

Wow, this was quite a random post. But who cares? haha. Praise God!

And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. Ezekiel 36:26

³¹ So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God. - 1 Corinthians 10:21

Jesus describes people who please Him as “faithful.” In Matthew 25, Jesus says, “Well done, good and faithful servant.” However, as I go about my day to day activities, I am constantly finding myself evaluating my Christian life based on my “success” or “failures” rather than my faithfulness. For example, if I read my bible one day, I feel holy. If I forget to do QT another, I feel unholy. But I’m learning more that God does not require or even necessarily want big displays of “holiness.” Rather, He wants a humble, faithful servant who is dependent on Him in whatever he does. It is like the parable of the Pharisee and the tax collector who enter the temple to pray. The Pharisee stands tall and is proud, while the tax collector lies in the back, pounds his chest, and humbly asks for forgiveness. It is easy to give an appearance of holiness when others are watching (ie a heroic act). It is much much more difficult to faithfully follow Jesus when there is no witness, limelight, or anyone paying attention.

This verse reminds me that the daily, seemingly mundane parts of my life are times when I can be glorifying God.

²¹ When Peter saw him, he said to Jesus, “Lord, what about this man?” ²² Jesus said to him, “If it is my will that he remain until I come, what is that to you? You follow me!” ²³ So the saying spread abroad among the brothers^[b] that this disciple was not to die; yet Jesus did not say to him that he was not to die, but, “If it is my will that he remain until I come, what is that to you?” - John 21:21-23

I certainly struggle with the Messiah complex. I am quick to offer inappropriate or inaccurate albeit sincere advice. I enjoy the feeling of “solving” people’s problems and being the one who has all the answers. Oh how WRONG this attitude is! Through God’s grace, I have learned to keep my yammering mouth shut and come to appreciate simply listening and supporting others and not offering my own destructive advice. I have truly come to understand the age-old saying, “actions speak louder than words.”

God, forgive me for interfering in your will and proposing or advising when I had absolutely NO right to advise. “What is that to you?” is such a stinging comment and a humbling revelation of my arrogance.

This reminds me of a sermon by Pastor John. When describing the relationship among young Christians, he said it’s like two drowning swimmers offering to help each another. Despite their good intentions, both will die. It is loving, however, to concentrate on your own spiritual growth (ie find a life raft) and THEN offer to help. I always found this somewhat perplexing. It is an act of love (to others) by concentrating on myself? God has graciously revealed to me that my part and my role right now is to maintain the right relationship with Him so that His discernment can continually come through me for the purpose of blessing someone else. When I see someone fired up for God, I feel tremendously blessed and encouraged to act the same. In this way, that person reveals God’s love for me. I get the glory when I offer my own self-centered advice to other Christians. When others see me focused and concentrating on my own spiritual walk, it is God who is glorified.

God, I hope and pray for a new heart and mind with desires in-line with yours. Continue to teach me and change me for your will. I surrender my life so that I may be consciously and unconsciously used by you to glorify yourself.

And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. Ezekiel 36:26

If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new - 2 Corinthians 5:17

God has been revealing a new theme in my life. Many of the verses I’ve been drawn to lately are related to a new heart, new spirit, and new desires. What is most challenging is applying these principles and concepts in a real and concrete manner. On the surface, sure, I’ve changed. I’ve become a better person as Christ continues to sanctify me. But have I opened my heart to God in the things that REALLY matter to me? One of the tests for determining if the work of salvation is working in my life and is genuine is if God has changed the things that really matter to me. My CAREER and my struggles with girls/lust are two of the things that jump to mind. I’ve been a person who puts studying/career above all things. Also, I always struggle with the idea of protecting my own heart and not toying with girls’ hearts. I think these are two areas where I need to sincerely repent.

What’s really reassuring is the idea that God is consistent. He does not change and His “personality” doesn’t change either. In that way, there is always a rock to hold on to when the waves of this world push you from side to side. I always have someone to look to and run toward. I know God will continue to work in me regardless of whether I want it or not. It would be a lot easier, however, if I just surrendered my heart to him so that He could fully weave into my very being and change me from the inside out.

haha sounds like a song from hillsong united… my heart and my soul, I give you control, consume me from the inside out

Dependence. Go to work utterly dependent on God (Proverbs 3:5-6; John 15:5). Without him you can’t breathe, move, think, feel, or talk. Not to mention be spiritually influential. Get up in the morning and let God know your desperation for him. Pray for help.

Integrity. Be absolutely and meticulously honest and trustworthy on the job. Be on time. Give a full day’s work. “Thou shalt not steal.” More people rob their employers by being slackers than by filching the petty cash.

Skill. Get good at what you do. God has given you not only the grace of integrity but the gift of skills. Treasure that gift and be a good steward of those skills. This growth in skill is built on dependence and integrity.

Corporate shaping. As you have influence and opportunity, shape the ethos of the workplace so that the structures and policies and expectations and aims move toward accordance with Christ. For example, someone is shaping the ethos of Chick-fil-A restaurants with this video.

Impact. Aim to help your company have an impact that is life-enhancing without being soul-destroying. Some industries have an impact that is destructive (e.g., porn, gambling, abortion, marketing scams, etc). But many can be helped to turn toward impact that is life-giving without being soul-ruining. As you have opportunity, work toward that.

Communication. Work places are webs of relationships. Relationships are possible through communication. Weave your Christian worldview into the normal communications of life. Don’t hide your light under a basket. Put it on the stand. Winsomely. Naturally. Joyfully. Let those who love their salvation say continually, Great is the Lord! (Psalm 40:16)

Love. Serve others. Be the one who volunteers first to go get the pizza. To drive the van. To organize the picnic. Take an interest in others at work. Be known as the one who cares not just about the light-hearted weekend tales, but the burdens of heavy and painful Monday mornings. Love your workmates, and point them to the great Burden Bearer.

Money. Work is where you make (and spend) money. It is all God’s, not yours. You are a trustee. Turn your earning into the overflow of generosity in how you steward God’s money. Don’t work to earn to have. Work to earn to have to give and to invest in Christ-exalting ventures. Make your money speak of Christ as your supreme Treasure.

Thanks. Always give thanks to God for life and health and work and Jesus. Be a thankful person at work. Don’t be among the complainers. Let your thankfulness to God overflow in a humble spirit of gratitude to others. Be known as the hope-filled, humble, thankful one at work.

Full link here: http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/how-to-glorify-god-at-work#.TmZi6ezTIqM.tumblr

“Anger and bitterness are two noticeable signs of being focused on self and not trusting God’s sovereignty in your life. When you believe that God causes all things to work together for good to those who belong to Him and love Him, you can respond to trials with joy instead of anger or bitterness.” ~ John C. Boger

Gotta always stay humble and remember who I am in Christ. ALL things come from Christ… even the most difficult circumstances. 

I’m an idealist. I try to believe in the best of people and always hope for the best in any situation. That doesn’t mean I’m unrealistic. I do accept the results when things are bound to fail or the situation calls for skepticism. However, why do realists always tell me that my dreams and ideas are “out of reach” or “impossible”? What is so wrong about thinking about the best case scenario and acting accordingly? Sure, I am bound to fail at a much higher rate than most, but that is my own path and my own choosing. Why do realists always tell me “no”?

As a scientist and a researcher, I love dreaming about “what if…” What if we could find the cure for a horrible orthopaedic disease? What if our research could change lives? No, I do not believe I am all-powerful, nor do I think highly of myself. But what is so wrong about taking ownership of my projects and doing all that I can to make sure the best outcome occurs? Sure, I rub a lot of people the wrong way. A lot of people think I am “high-strung” and “neurotic” and have even told me to “calm down” because it’s “not that important.” Why? Why is it not important? I don’t understand. Why would I waste my time doing something I think is not important? God gave me this awesome opportunity to do research for 1 year at a great institution and I want to do as much as I can. Everything I do is important in some way, no matter how seemingly insignificant. Many may perceive this as the ultimate form of arrogance. But on the contrary, I say this as an expression of my humility. I know I am nothing without God. I firmly believe that I have been given this opportunity by the grace of God and that at a moment’s notice, it can be taken away. But no matter how insignificant or small or “unimportant” a project may be, I realize that God has graciously given it to me and I refuse to believe that any situation or opportunity God gives me is insignificant or unimportant. I believe in God’s ultimate plan and I believe I am His son. Therefore, God is using everything and every action in my life to bring Glory to his name. THAT is why I believe all my actions/projects/ideas are important. Not because I am important, but the one who gives it to me is all-important.

So realists, please do not tell me “no.” Do not crush my spirits. I understand many of my ideas will not pan out. But is that a reason not to believe? Is that a reason not to try again? Instead, encourage me. Encourage me and support me. Each person in the body of Christ has a role. I hope that in all things, we may support one another.

http://www.redeemer.com/connect/prayer/prayer_and_meditation.html

The Puritan Richard Baxter wrote: “Solemn or stated meditation is distinguished from the study of the word, wherein our principle aim is to learn the truth; and also from prayer, whereof God himself is the immediate object. But meditation is the affecting of our own hearts and minds with love, delight, and humility toward the things contained [in the Word].”

Peter Toon has written that meditation is the descent of the mind with Biblical truth into the inmost heart until the whole being yearns for God.

1. Adoration - How can I love and praise God on the basis of this? What do I see here that I can praise him for?
2. Repentance - How do I fail to realize this in my life? What wrong behavior, harmful emotions or attitudes result when I forget this?
3. Gospel Thanks - How can I thank Jesus as the ultimate revelation of this attribute of God (#1) and the ultimate answer to this sin or need of mine (#2)?
4. Aspiration- How does this show me what I should or can be and do? How would I be different if this truth were powerfully real to me?

I am always struggling with the idea of dependence and discipline and how they co-exist in a christian’s life. I imagine a child as an example of someone who is dependent on his parent…this metaphor is often used in the bible. A child cannot do anything and is totally dependent on the parents. If the parents decide not to feed, bathe, love the child, he will die. In the same way, if we are not daily fed and sustained by our Father, our spirits (and bodies) will literally die. Like a child, are we to wait and ask our Father to sustain us? Simply put, yes. However, I’m learning there is much more to it than that. In the grand scheme of things, we are like children. We are totally dependent on God. Does that mean we, as Christians, have no responsibility? This is, of course, not the case. We must not only be dependent on God, but we must practice discipline. It is impossible for us to pursue holiness with only discipline or only dependence. We must absolutely have both. 

While building a wall, Nehemiah was afraid that his enemies would attack and he therefore prayed to God AND posted guard all day and night. I am learning how critical it is to recognize my dependence on God, but also learn to accept my responsibility as a Christian and respond appropriately. I am learning more and more that the pursuit of holiness is not a passive pursuit, but an active one. Like Paul who beat his body and made it his slave so that he would not lose the race, I am learning more and more that I must fight daily. I learned this concept during Sunday school, but the significance of fighting the daily fight never occurred to me. 

I am a man of extremes. If I love something, I love it passionately. If I dislike something, I abhor it. But in a lot of ways, my Christian life has also been like this. During times when I feel God, it is easy to do good deeds and have much patience. In the desert, I am quick to anger and quick to judge. One of my prayers is to receive a sense of equilibrium in my spiritual life. Please don’t misunderstand… I still crave and hope for the spiritual high and in a weird way, hope for the spiritual desert (refiner’s fire) that I often find myself in. What I’m asking for is a sense of contentment. Paul said he learned to be content through Him who gives him strength. In the same way, I am depending on God to give me a peace of mind while also practicing the act of contentment. In this way, I am trying to become a dependent disciple. 

As a life-long student, I am very good at learning things and being disciplined in terms of memorizing facts. It is easy to be tempted to believe that the disciplines themselves are the source of my spiritual strength. I often fall into this trap. I must always remind myself that the Jesus is my strength and that I can simply plant and water my spiritual life, but Jesus is the one who makes it grow. I am often very self-confident because of my performance as a student. I often get entrapped into thinking I am the source of my success. I pray that I am continually reminded to be humble and remember that I have not earned anything, but through God’s grace, everything has been given to me. I must remember what Jesus said… “Apart from me, you can do nothing.” 

I will not only pray, but will also work to practice dependent discipline every day of my life. 

And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. Ezekiel 36:26

I like getting in early to work because I am the first one there and it gives me time to think. A friend told me he does QT every morning before work and I decided to give it a try. I’m leaving my bible at work so in the morning (and any time I feel like it) I can read it. It feels really nice having it there. Looking at it reminds me of Jesus and it gives me an avenue of escape when the burdens of work weigh heavily on me. 

I’ve been really craving the word lately and it feels great. Praise be to God!

I feel refreshed. My mind is still racing, but my heart is at ease. I felt so encouraged by this weekend’s camping trip with friends that I love. Yet, as I came back into work, I was reminded how difficult it is here. How difficult to remember I am a christian in a non-christian environment. How uncomfortable it is to discuss my faith and how difficult it is to answer the question, “what are you reading?” as I nervously read my bible. Yet, these things don’t matter to me as much anymore. They feel… insignificant. Is it because I’m finally realizing my God is so big? I hope so. 

Sometimes I wonder if my faith is contrived. If I am a wolf in sheep’s clothing…preying on others. These thoughts often creep into my heart and mind.

I love writing blog posts because they force me to think about uncomfortable topics. It encourages me to pray. haha well I think it’s a great time to pray now. 

This is my prayer for the month of November: 

And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. Ezekiel 36:26